Everyone needs a tribe. Whether that tribe is a church, a supportive family, a chosen family, it doesn’t matter. But, everyone needs a tribe. The desire for community is in our DNA. We are reliant on community from an early age to learn to walk, talk, and exist.
Community is particularly important to spiritual growth. That doesn’t mean that you have to be in a church every time the doors are open. What it does mean is that our spirits (whatever that means to you) need other people encouraging us, challenging us, and listening to us.
But, somehow messages of individualism have become dominant. On all sides of the political, social, and theological spectrums, individuals have been told that they can get through life alone. This may be true, but who wants to just get through life? Community helps us thrive in ways that we can’t by ourselves.
Being a part of a tribe does make us vulnerable to harm of the emotional, physical, and spiritual types. Growth in community is challenging, especially when we begin to grow out of our communities and leave the tribe. But there is always another tribe.
If you are looking for a new tribe, or you are a part of a tribe, or you are wondering if you should stay in the tribe you are currently in, here are the seven deadly sins of community. Each one can cut people down. They can make people feel unwelcome. They can create an unhealthy community.
- Letting a few voices determine too much
Have you ever been a part of a community that had a few power players that were the key decision makers? If so, we are sorry. Communities in which this is true turn from being egalitarian, where everyone is supposed to have a voice, to oligarchies. When a community gives a small group all of the power, they drown out the voices of others. Often times, it is the women’s voices that get drowned out. Specifically, it is the women of color. People on the margins get left out of decision making, visioning, and other important conversations.
If a community wants to thrive, it must question and deconstruct its hierarchies: sexism, racism, homophobia. Each of these systems of oppression function by lifting up a few and putting down many. The more voices who are valued, included, and feel truly welcomed, the healthier a community will be.
2. Focusing on last year
Communities, especially those that put on regular programs (churches, non-profits, etc), have a tendency to ask the question, “What did we do last year?” These six words paralyze their creativity and lock their imaginations away. Healthy, vibrant community needs creativity and ingenuity. Asking the last year question produces a stale community.
If a community wants to thrive, grow, and be healthy, it can instead ask the questions: what can we learn from last year and how can we move beyond it? These two questions don’t leave the past behind, but focus on growth and dynamism. They reflect a community that would welcome new ideas and new voices.
3. Inward Focus
This one especially applies to churches (the more institutionalized types). Many churches have a tendency be concerned with their own survival, at all costs. Progressive spiritual communities must figure out how to balance sustainability and neighborhood engagement. Communities do exist for the purpose of the people within it, but a really healthy community figures out a way to reach out. Otherwise, it becomes a clique.
4. Not embracing diversity
Whether it is age, gender, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, you name it, the moment a community closes itself off to diversity is the moment you need to get out. It might not be explicit either. They may show it by dirty looks, passive aggressive statements, or even outright exclusion. Exclusion. Is. Never. Okay.
Wouldn’t you rather be a part of a community that is truly welcoming to all? If you feel unwelcome or have friends that would not be welcome in the community you are a part of, it is time to get out. This one is particularly challenging though. You probably don’t want to be a part of community that embraces tokenism—you know, we have one __(insert “diverse” marker here)__ friend. You also may not want to be in a community that has diversity for diversity’s sake. A healthy community that welcomes diversity would be a community that engages it. Our communities need to ask questions, learn, and lean into differences. When we are doing that, our communities will be able to thrive.
5. Inconsistency
This one is simple. When a community stops showing up for the big and little moments, they’ve ceased to be a community. Churches are notorious for creating meal trains and serving up tasty casseroles. Showing up means investment. It means you matter. Being a part of a community is about showing people they matter.
In a healthy community, showing up counts. When you show up at your neighbors door step with a bottle of wine when they’ve lost their job, it matters. When you show up at your friend’s hospital room with a balloon and card, it matters. When you call to check in on the person who hasn’t been to book club in a few months, it matters. A good community will show up.
6. Being Fake
Have you ever walked into a place and immediately noticed how fake everyone is? Why is it that people feel like they can’t be themselves in community? Being fake is one of the worst things for a community because it defeats the entire purpose. True community should be a place where you can be yourself.
One word specifically to those in the church or thinking about leaving your church: If people within your church are not being real and they attribute everything “to the glory of God” or to “God’s plan,” it’s probably a good indication that you will not be able to craft your own faith there.
You see, when people are being fake in a community, it shows that it is not safe for you to be real. And let’s be real for a moment: we all need a place to be ourselves. Whoever you are and whatever identity you define yourself by, you deserve a place to be you.
7. Common Enemy
This one is one of the most dangerous. A community that is formed on the basis of a common enemy is not a community (looking at you MAGA hats). Rather, it’s a group of bullies. Whether this common enemy is a people group or a little red guy with a pitch fork, a common enemy will never create positive community.
We hope that all of our Crafters can be in healthy communities that encourage them to be curious, embrace them with acceptance, and give them a sense of being a part of something bigger. We hope that if you are a part of a community that does any of the things listed above, that you will give yourself permission to move on. We hope that as you grow, crafting your own spirituality and faith (or deconstructing toxic faith), you will be able to find a tribe that will make you feel right at home.